


how to (not) get dumb and dumber together

by jonginnie



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Attempt at Humor, Childhood Friends, M/M, Multi, kailu if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 05:21:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9642449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonginnie/pseuds/jonginnie
Summary: kris experiences several clicks throughout his life as a result of his two childhood best friends, byun baekhyun and park chanyeol. he decides enough is enough and attempts to get them together once and for all.





	

**Author's Note:**

> pls ignore any mistakes pls & thank u
> 
> bro i wrote this back in summer of '15 and only finished now... yeah... enjoy frustrated kris and dense!baekyeol
> 
> WARNING: cussing and greasy baekyeol

kris is five years old when he first meets byun baekhyun. baekhyun is shorter than average, frequently asks mrs.choi about her eyeliner, and cries whenever he falls off the monkey bars during recess–he claims that climbing them is his favorite activity. kris still likes him, though, because he tells good knock-knock jokes and praises his drawings when no one else does. 

in the middle of the year, park chanyeol moves in. he twitches and overreacts a lot so kris decides to stay away. baekhyun bonds with him, though, so he ends up befriending him as well.  

kris doesn't really notice it then. he's five, and all he cares about are naps and making sure mrs.choi hangs up all his drawings. so when he sees baekhyun and chanyeol coloring pictures of disney princesses and princes together, screaming that those would be them in the future, kris doesn't think much of it. 

 

. 

 

they're all in second grade when kris first takes note of it. it's recess time, and he's in the sandbox trying to make a sand castle without any molds. a first grader named kai has taken it, and kris is irked but lets him have it anyway–it's not his style to lose his temper over trivial matters like that. 

he's just about to give up when a pouty baekhyun comes, and sits down next to him. 

"what are you doing? can i play with you?" baekhyun mumbles. kris can tell he's upset so he nods and scoots over to give him room in the sand box.  

kris is a curious little eight year old and asks, "why aren't you on the seesaw with yeol?" the two of them usually hog it the whole time at recess–they never let  _ anyone _ else on it–so he's genuinely confused. 

at this, baekhyun makes a face that's somewhere between anger and sadness. he looks like he's on the verge of tears, and kris gets worried because he's afraid he'll get in trouble with their lunch teacher. he pats the brunette's back because it's the only thing he can do.  

baekhyun finally tones down and whimpers, "b-because yeol only wants to play with kyungsoo." he sniffs before pointing in the direction of the seesaw where chanyeol and another second grader, kyungsoo are happily playing together. 

at first, he's shocked, but then, kris looks back and forth at baekhyun and the seesaw, and then, he gets a weird  _ click _ in his head. he ignores it, though, and attempts to cheer up baekhyun by allowing him to bury him in the sand–which the shorter boy so happily does. 

kris gets the same  _ click _ later on when chanyeol notices baekhyun's tear stains after recess, and kisses every one of them. 

 

. 

 

"where are chanyeol and baekhyun? the parade starts in five minutes," asks a distressed fifth grade teacher. 

"they're still getting changed in the bathroom," kris replies, dripping fake blood onto the corners of his mouth. it's halloween, and he's pretty sure that he's absolutely the most sexy fake vampire around. 

suddenly, the door to the classroom slams open, and chanyeol and baekhyun walk in. it would have been a normal scene, but chanyeol is wearing a monkey costume while baekhyun is dressed up as a banana. kris cringes because his friend are weird–they also  _ totally  _ ruin the whole sexy vampire aura he has going on. 

when kris asks why the two of them are dressed up like that, they only look at each other and shrug. 

"we just wanted to match," says chanyeol. with a giant grin on his face, he slings his arm around baekhyun, and pulls him closer. they lock gazes and stay like that for the next few seconds. kris notices that there's something too tender about the moment, and has to look away. by now, he has an idea of what the two mean to each other–but he's also only ten years old and doesn't really know what to do about it. 

 

. 

 

chanyeol kicks the ball a little harder than usual during soccer practice. kris exchanges worried glances with kai, who is in sixth grade now. he can tell he's angry about something and when chanyeol is angry, he gets a bit intimidating. 

apparently, coach notices too because he sends chanyeol to the bench to cool down before his giant feet induce any life-threatening situations to the other students lingering around. kris decides he'll ask him what's wrong after practice ends. for now, he continues the drill while listening to kai rave about some guy named luhan who's in kris' grade. 

when coach blows the whistle, signaling that practice has ended, kris catches up to chanyeol. while they're changing in the locker room, he asks very  _ very _ slowly, "is everything okay?" 

chanyeol furrows his eyebrows, and looks like he's ready to murder someone so kris steps back a bit. "baekhyun is dating that stupid eighth grader, yesung," he says bitterly. kris finally understands and lets a soft "ah" escape his lips. 

"i mean, yesung isn't even good enough for baek. baek deserves a guy who sends him good morning and good night texts... and a guy who walks him home after school to make sure he's safe," chanyeol continues. kris can only hold in a laugh because chanyeol is literally listing the everyday deeds that he, himself, does for baekhyun. 

"he needs a guy–" 

"like you," kris suggests. it's only a joke, but chanyeol's eyes widen and his mouth hangs open. 

"n-no, that's not what i meant," chanyeol stammers, his face is flushed. "i-i... i have to go!" 

kris snickers as chanyeol flings his duffel bag over his shoulder, and runs out of the locker room. he has had enough  _ click _ 's to fully recognize the situation between the two. he figures that they'll get together soon enough. 

suddenly, kai rushes to kris, and frightens him a bit. "luhan told me to have a good afternoon," he beams. 

 

. 

 

the dinner dance is very important to the eighth graders because it's basically an eighth grade version of prom. and no matter how carefree and unconcerned chanyeol seems, he is no exception. 

so when he does a no-show and leaves his date, dancing queen, kim hyoyeon, hanging, even kris is shocked. of course, being chanyeol's best friend, hyoyeon questions him, and kris can only tell her to hang on while he attempts to call baekhyun since chanyeol isn't even answering his phone. the brunette isn't there either, but he has a legit reason: the flu. 

baekhyun picks up after four rings, and greets, "what's up, kris?" 

"do you know where chanyeol is? hyoyeon is bugging me about it," kris grumbles, quickly glancing at the blonde girl to make sure she didn't hear the second part. he looks at his own date, huang zitao, who has his arms folded across his chest, and taps his foot impatiently. he really doesn't want to deal with an annoyed tao for the rest of the night, so kris asks again, this time more assertively. "do you?" 

"i'm right here," a deep voice suddenly booms from the other line. "i don't want baekhyun to be alone while we have fun tonight. tell hyoyeon that i'm sorry." 

tao overhears and  _ aww _ 's with a dreamy look on his face. kris groans because he has to explain to hyoyeon that her date had ditched her for his best friend, and that they may or may not be totally in love with each other. he keeps the last part to himself. 

 

. 

 

the annual 'school bonding' field trip during their sophomore year is to some science themed campsite where they'll most likely spend five plus hours learning how to start a fire using the sun and some shards of glass. on the way there, the busses stop at a rest stop so kris takes the opportunity to ditch with baekhyun, chanyeol, and tao. as the busses leave, they wave goodbye to kai, who had decided to stay with his friend, oh sehun. kris had also heard something about 'bonding time with luhan', but decides to think about it another time. 

for now, he is preoccupied by two other  ~~ idiots ~~ individuals: baekhyun and chanyeol. kris had finally decided at the beginning of the school year that enough was enough. no more longing gazes, no more extended touches, and  _ definitely _ no more 'friendly bro sleepovers'–"we do them to re-affirm our  _ friendship _ ," chanyeol claims. 

 

this is the perfect time to start the plan. 

 

 _yes_ , kris is aware of the fact that it's june, and the school year is almost over, but he had been busy with school work and such–and maybe he had been making out with tao, but that's another story.

 

“there’s a water park close by,” the blonde at the info desk says. she slips a lock of hair behind her ear and smiles coyly at chanyeol. “if you want, i can call you a taxi.”

 

“that would be great.” chanyeol smirks at the girl as she punches in numbers on a ratty old telephone.

 

behind him, kris can  _ feel _ baekhyun’s wrath. the brunette has his arms folded across his chest, and his eyes look like they’re constantly in orbit as chanyeol and the girl keep exchanging sly smiles.

 

“just get a cab already, sheesh,” he mumbles under his breath. tao and kris hear him fine, but apparently, chanyeol doesn’t.

 

“thanks, i’ll call you,” chanyeol nods, pocketing a piece of paper with scribbled digits on it. suddenly, he takes a 180 turn and bounces around chanting, “water park! water park!”

 

baekhyun, who remains angry about what had happened just a few moments ago, mutters, “shut up,” and shuffles past a speechless chanyeol. the taller boy can only look at the couple beside him and mentally ask what he did wrong.

 

tao laughs out loud and shakes his head, pushing past chanyeol to attempt to cheer up baekhyun. kris ponders what he should tell chanyeol. usually, he just shrugs, but for the sake of everyone else in their grade, he decides to do something different today.

 

“you might want to throw that number away.”

 

chanyeol’s eyes widen in realization as he digs out the scrap piece of paper and promptly crumples it as much as he can before ‘kobe’-ing it into a nearby trash can–he misses and earns a glare from an older lady–and letting out a refreshed sigh. “geez, he always gets so mad,” kris hears him grumble, but he has a wide smile on his face and walks happily towards baekhyun so it’s really not much of a grumble.

 

tao seemed to have done a good job of lifting baekhyun’s spirits because as soon as chanyeol approaches the boy, he instantly grins and suddenly, the two of them are best friends who are secretly in love with each other again.

 

“maybe it’s because he’s in love with you…” kris mumbles. as if they planned it, baekhyun and chanyeol both cock their heads around at the same time, letting out dazed “huh?”s.

 

“forget it, i didn’t say anything…  _ idiots. _ ”

 

tao, who had slowed down to match his walking pace, snickers next to him. “don’t be mean, kris… they’ll realize eventually.”

 

kris is aware that tao’s words are supposed to be comforting, but they do the opposite. by “eventually”, that means he still has to deal with his two idiot, hopelessly in love best friends. he swiftly grabs tao’s hand, surprising the other.

 

“that ‘eventually’ is going to happen  _ now _ .” 

 

tao swears he has never seen such a melodramatic expression on kris’ face before-this must be serious.

 

.

  
  


operation get-idiots-together is finally in full swing-it kinda has been for the last ten years, but again, kris has other priorities. except, he has no idea how to get started. how the fuck is he supposed to get them together?

 

“yeollie! can you help me put on sunscreen,” baekhyun screams from the other side of the changing room. chanyeol walks over to him and slathers cream onto the brunette’s back as if it was the most normal thing to do ever.

 

kris grimaces in frustration. they are basically  _ together _ . they just need that “official” label so that every time they lovingly gazed into one another’s eyes-or in other terms, eyefucked-kris didn’t have to agonizingly yell,  _ “GET TOGETHER ALREADY, DUMBFUCKS,”  _ in his head.

 

as if on cue, tao giggles and jokingly remarks, “get a room you two!”

 

it isn’t long before blood rushes into the pigments of baekhyun’s cheeks. “ya, you’re not one to talk, huang zitao!”

 

chanyeol chuckles, and suddenly, baekhyun is an angel again. he massages baekhyun’s shoulders, making the other boy seemingly melt into his touch. chanyeol is the only person who can calm baekhyun down as much as he can make him angry-kris cites the previous experience with the chick from the info desk to support this argument. 

 

tao throws a knowing smirk at kris before heading towards the exit. “kris,” he whines. “let’s go! i wanna go swimming already!”

 

kris looks from chanyeol and baekhyun to tao.  _ fucking hell _ , who is he supposed to choose in a situation like this? tao instinctively rolls his eyes, pulling his spaced out boyfriend’s arm, and innocently waves goodbye to chanyeol and baekhyun.

 

“are we getting them together or not?”

 

kris snaps out of his trance. “huh?” tao glares at him. “fuck yeah, we are!”

 

.

 

the first step was separating them. yes, yes, kris knows that sounds crazy, but it’s worth a shot. tao had stayed with baekhyun at one of the water rides while kris urged chanyeol to go to the diving pool with him.

 

kris realizes something new about his best friends in the short amount of time he spends venturing with chanyeol: they can’t go two minutes without each other before they start looking like there is no longer any reason to exist in the universe-or whatever the expression chanyeol has on his face at the moment. the latter’s usual mischievous grin is missing; instead, a small, subtle frown is in its place. his brows are crinkled together, as if he is deep in thought. however, that’s not the most alarming thing. chanyeol actually keeps his mouth shut during their walk to the diving pool. kris is the one who has to break the silence-not without a trick up his sleeve, of course.

 

“hey, yeol,” he starts, prepping himself up.

 

for the first time since they separated from tao and baekhyun, chanyeol’s eyes flicker off the ground and meet kris’ own. “what?” his reply is curt and is laced with irritation, and frankly, kris is a bit offended, but he continues the conversation anyhow.

 

“now, i don’t want you to freak out,” he says, carefully and slowly. “and the questions i’m about to ask you are completely hypothetical, which means nothing of the sort actually happened.”

 

chanyeol nods, a puzzled look adorns his face.

 

“so, let’s say, i… hurt baek-”

 

and with the mention of the small boy’s name, chanyeol immediately perks up. however, his fond smile is soon overtaken by a malicious glare once he fully processes kris’ words. kris braces himself. chanyeol roughly grabs the collar of kris’ shirt. “what the fuck did you d-”

 

“hey,” kris almost screams. “i said these questions were hypothetical, remember?” he brushes the boy off of him. chanyeol is fucking scary when he wants to be.

 

“right, sorry,” chanyeol can only squeak out. he takes a few steps back and is once again a saint.

 

kris clears his throat-and is slightly scared-but he perseveres. “um… i think the answer is obvious, but, what would you do if i hurt baek?”

 

chanyeol gets this offended expression on his face as if that is the most offensive and off the limits question you could ever ask him-it probably is. “dude, i would blow your fucking brains out!”

 

kris nods, expecting his answer. “ah, so what about the other way around. what if baek hurt me, yeol?”

 

chanyeol freezes-probably because the idea of byun baekhyun ever committing actions that are considered “bad” in chanyeol’s eyes is nearly impossible or has never crossed his mind until today. “i mean… i would like… punch him too, but like… a little softer? baekhyun’s really small… and i don’t want him to get hurt, god forbid i give him a scar or anything like that.”

 

_ “whipped…” _ is all that crosses kris’ mind. he does his absolute best to resist rolling his eyes or smirking. by the time they reach the diving pool, chanyeol pours out all his built up undying feelings of devotion-love-for baekhyun to kris, essentially chewing off the latter’s ear.

 

“and like, the cute way he scrunches up his nose when he doesn’t wanna eat something-it’s so freaking cute! and if i like… punched him, i would never be able to witness that ever again, so maybe i would like… poke him harshly on the shoulder.”

 

this time, kris allows himself to roll his eyes. chanyeol is about to continue his whipped banter before a scream interrupts him. kris recognizes the scream, it’s high pitched and-

 

“ _ holy shit,  _ it’s fucking baekhyun!” chanyeol practically screeches. kris only blinks once before the other boy does a full on sprint towards the water ride that baekhyun is at,  _ oh  _ and tao. kris runs too because baekhyun’s his best friend, and he feels morally obligated to. as the two run, he starts to wonder how the fuck baekhyun was able to scream loud enough because the water ride is  _ far _ and his legs are beginning to give out. he can’t say the same for chanyeol, though, who is running 25 miles a minute-is that fast enough? whatever, he is just running  _ fast. _

 

they eventually reach the large water ride. a large crowd surrounds the bottom of the ride, where a shallow pool rests. kris and chanyeol push through the sunburned teenagers and witness tao carrying a very soaked baekhyun out of the pool bridal style. upon seeing baekhyun, chanyeol immediately runs to tao and hastily lifts baekhyun into his own muscular arms. he holds him like he’s the most precious thing ever and wow, he is so fucking whipped.

 

chanyeol carries baekhyun towards an empty bench and cradles him in his arms. the shorter boy looks a bit shaken up; he most likely drowned-how he drowned on a water ride, kris will just have to question tao about that later. his skin is paler than usual, and he’s still coughing a bit, but he looks  _ oh-so _ comfortable in chanyeol’s hold. tao is about to approach them, but kris stops him. this is their moment.  _ still _ , kris had been waiting for this moment for pretty much his whole life so him and tao come close enough so that their conversation is at least within earshot.

 

“yeollie…” baekhyun starts gently, his voice slightly hoarse. “i’m okay, you don’t have to hold me so tightly.”

 

chanyeol does the opposite. he embraces the other boy further. “baek, i thought i was going to fucking lose you, what the fuck… don’t ever drown again.”

 

baekhyun giggles. “i can’t really control that.” with that, both of them erupt into fits of laughter and soon, they’re back to their goofy chatter. kris is utterly disappointed. all of  _ this _ , and they still didn’t realize. he gives up. he has no faith in love anymore.

 

“you did your best,” tao whispers reassuringly, his left hand massages kris’ shoulder, and, suddenly, kris has faith in love again.

 

“how did he drown anyway,” kris questions.

 

“i dunno.”

 

“did you… drown him?”

 

“for the sake of love!”

 

“tao, he’s my best friend!”

 

“and i’m your boyfriend.”

 

“true.”

 

.

 

the next day, at school, just when kris finally shuts down operation get-baekhyun-and-chanyeol-together-if-it’s-the-last-thing-i-do, behold, baekhyun and chanyeol,  _ holding hands _ .

 

“oh my god,” kris utters. kai, who was summarizing the events of the field trip, and tao, who was pretending to listen, both turn towards the direction of kris’ gaze and their mouths form large ‘O’s as soon as they take in the magnificent sight. 

 

as baekhyun and chanyeol walk through the courtyard, hands interlocked, everyone watches. it’s as if the whole student body momentarily pauses to look at them because  _ oh my god _ , it’s finally happening! dumb and dumber got together  ~~ and formed dumbest! ~~

 

as if the whole school was waiting for this moment their whole lives-which wasn’t too far from the truth-everyone erupts into cheers and clapping. several “woo!”s are heard throughout and a couple of exasperated “fucking finally”s-one of them being tao. everyone has some type of reaction except kris, that is. he is still shell shocked.

 

chanyeol and baekhyun finally reach their small group of friends. baekhyun is nervously biting his lip, awaiting their reaction. tao swiftly glomps baekhyun, screeching out “i’m so happy for you!” while kai gives them both a proud smile.

 

“s-so, you two are dating now,” kris is finally able to muster out. chanyeol cocks his head towards the blonde, a look of disbelief on his face.

 

“ _ no duh! _ god, you’re so slow, kris!”

 

with that, kris stares into the distant air like he’s on the office. he hears a click, but this time it’s not from baekhyun and chanyeol. it’s him, he’s finally clicked.

 

“fucking brat, don’t even get me  _ started! _ ”


End file.
